thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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