I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
