I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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