i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
