my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
