he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I don't deserve a penis
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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