so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
