I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
