Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
