just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
