I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
