We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize