Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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