I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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