Your face is a jimmy john
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
