I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
