I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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