I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
