Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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