i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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