I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
