We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
