I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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