i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
