Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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