the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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