I just threw up on my dentist
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
