Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
