Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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