are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
