The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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