Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize