My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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