Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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