I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
