No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
