i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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