stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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