cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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