win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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