swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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