I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
