Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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