I want to have your abortion
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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