Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
