So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
