i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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