I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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