I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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