my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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