Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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