I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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