i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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