just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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