Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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