I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
