i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Send help, water and tortillas.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
