Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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